The other night, I lay in bed thinking to myself, with an ache in my heart, What if my dad had been his full self and saw me at that size? What would he have done? I’d like to think that he wouldn’t have let it happen. Whereas my sisters and my mother have these extensive tool kits—lots of psycho-education and interpersonal skills—my dad has never been so interested in root causes, in close examination. Maybe he’s a stereotypical father of a certain generation in that way, a doer who, if he had understood, might have scooped me up and said, “This is ending now.” His style has always been to plug the Indiana Pacers City Pride Team Logo 2023 shirt besides I will buy this leak even if he’s not sure why the leak is happening. Certainly there are benefits to examination, but there’s a beauty in his way, and I don’t think I noticed it until he was no longer capable of it.
I keep flipping between the Indiana Pacers City Pride Team Logo 2023 shirt besides I will buy this present and the past when I talk about Bruce: he is, he was, he is, he was. That’s because I have hopes for my father that I’m so reluctant to let go of. In fact what happened was that in June of last year, my boyfriend, who was by then my fiancé, dumped me, and my family stepped in as they had done before and sent me to Driftwood Recovery, in Texas. I was introduced to a variety of therapies, my medication was retooled, and I was given a new diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder, an illness that impairs the ability to regulate emotions and find stability in relationships. By the time I left Texas, in October, I felt a lot better. I realized that what I wanted more than harmony with my body was harmony with my family—to no longer worry them, to bring a levity to my sisters and my parents. An emaciated body wouldn’t do that. I had felt the weight of people worrying about me for years, and that put me on my knees.Most of my clothes are too small now, and in the morning, as I go through my closet, I have to resist the temptation to linger on that and urge myself to move on. Recovery is probably lifelong, but I now have the tools to be present in all facets of my life, and especially in my relationship with my dad. I can bring him an energy that’s bright and sunny, no matter where I’ve been. In the past I was so afraid of being destroyed by sadness, but finally I feel that I can show up and be relied upon. I can savor that time, hold my dad’s hand, and feel that it’s wonderful. I know that trials are looming, that this is the beginning of grief, but that whole thing about loving yourself before you can love somebody else—it’s real.
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