When I have sex now, there’s this voice in my head second-guessing everything. I don’t just do things, I think and then I do them, or not—often, when you’ve had time to think, you’ve given yourself long enough to talk your way out of it. I can’t forget myself anymore. When I’m on top I wonder how I look from that angle. An earring falls out and I have to resist the The mandalorian this man stole my child shirt in other words I will buy this urge to go and pick it up. After it’s finished, I’m so overcome with neediness I want to crawl inside the pajama top they just put back on and pop my head out the other side. I think this is partly because sex feels like a bigger deal when I’m having less of it, but it’s also because of the society I’m having it in. bell hooks writes in The Will to Change, “If women have been taught through sexist socialization that a journey through the difficult terrain of sex will lead us to our heart’s desire, men have been taught that their heart’s desire should be for sex and more sex.” Under this model, women are encouraged to use sex as some sort of bargaining tool they can wield to trick men into being closer to them, a carrot they can dangle. Even if you don’t want to go out with the guy you’re having sex with, there’s this feeling after it’s done that you lost some power, that you’ve given away something you shouldn’t have, and now you’re worth less. It’s what Carrie experiences in the sixth episode of Sex and the City, when Mr. Big takes her out to a Chinese restaurant—thinking it’s a sign that he doesn’t see her in a serious way because she slept with him too quickly.When I had sex with the man I mentioned earlier, I left soon afterwards. I bundled my stuff in my arms and went out to get an Uber. I guess I was scared of the vulnerability I felt. I thought I could outrun it. Really, I wanted to bury my face in his sheets, see how his soap smelled on my skin when I got in his shower.
I don’t think that feeling of vulnerability is totally unique to women, though. In fact, sometimes I feel bad for men—don’t quote me on that—when I think about how they must feel when they’re not confident having sex. It’s become so normalized for them to lead so much of the The mandalorian this man stole my child shirt in other words I will buy this interaction. As a woman, you could quite easily go through almost the entire thing without doing anything. Everything you do is seen as a plus. There’s so much more pressure on them to perform. When I’m in social situations and I can’t stop second-guessing myself, I’ve found I can usually work my way out of self-consciousness by forcing myself to say everything that comes into my head even if it’s stupid. After a while I become unblocked, thoughts start to fall out of me without my pushing them to, and I realize I do actually have a personality. I wonder if that might be a good thing to do with sex—to make myself do everything I go to do or say until my mind and body become the same thing again.
Home: https://wavetshirt.com/
Comments